Yesterday I posted this photo on my Instagram account and discussed the importance of pausing to check in with our truth and our heart before reacting out of anger or sadness in a relationship. I want to elaborate on this concept.
I have heard, and even said at a different time in my life, I always end up with the same person. I felt like things are different, they looked different, and yet at the root of it the same dysfunctions existed in my current relationship as all my past ones. When this does come up, the only thing to do is look at the common denominator in all those relationships. You. It can be a tough pill to swallow because from your perspective you are the one showing up for the relationships. You are the one putting in the effort, anticipating needs, and being the all around decent human being. Yes, and yet there is some wound inside of you that keeps attracting that same person. That keeps the patterns in place long after they stop working. I say this from a place of complete love because I've been there, oh have I been there. I have had to work hard to not infuse my old pain into my current relationship, with a man who is in fact nothing like anyone I've even been with.
Perhaps your old wound is that you are unlovable, and so you attract a partner incapable of loving you due to their own wounds or circumstances. Or maybe you've always been the caretaker and so you attract a partner who needs to be cared for. Initially we may think we can change the person unable to love or we may feel a sense of value in being needed as a caretaker. Yet, as time moves on, resentments grow. It is never wise to enter into a relationship expecting to change someone.
Which brings me back to my original thought. How often we blame our partners for our own experiences. We react to them as the unloved child, the nurse maid, the wounded individual rather than as a partner. Even in a high functional relationship with a person who is a good match for us, we can still slip into our old patterns. Resentments can fester without consistent self-inspection, communication, and honesty.
Through inner work we are able to identify our old wounds and patterns, through honesty with ourselves and our partners we are able to move past them. There is a freedom in recognizing how much power you have when you realize you are only in control of yourself.
Read. Relate. Repeat.
My hope is through my words, through my own experiences, you will relate to some piece of my story. Some desire that I've shared or insecurity I've admitted to will also belong to you. My words are my truth, but they may also be yours.