Calling All Parents Too Busy For Sex

            No one group needs a sexual jump start more than the parents of young children. It is like the Sahara Dessert for many of us and there are about 1,000 reasons why. Let’s be clear, there is nothing sexy about parenthood. You’re exhausted, touched out, everything is covered in an uncertain stickiness, for women their bodies and hormones may be unfamiliar, and on daily basis you are catering to the needs of an egomaniac (developmentally justified, but still). It’s not sexy, it’s not cute and I totally get why many parents just fall into bed at the end of the night, too exhausted for conversation, let alone physical intimacy. While it is completely justified, basically shutting down your sexuality for an extended period of time is not beneficial for your marriage, or your overall well-being.  
       While I’ve mentioned some of the reasons why sex is off the table, let’s look at why we should put it back on.  During a session of love making, your body releases all sorts of “feel good” chemicals, such as Oxytocin, which naturally reduces stress and anxiety in your body, as well as Endorphins which act as natural pain-killers.  Studies show sex boosts your immune system, which is a total bonus because kids are known for being quite germy and parents  don’t have time for illness. Amazingly, sex, especially good sex, actually boosts your libido. The more you do it, the more you want it. I’m also just going to say it, sex totally counts as exercise. I’m a busy parent, so I’m all for multi-tasking in this way. Now all these reasons I’ve mentioned are pretty much directed at the individual, what about the marriage or partnership, how does that benefit?
          It's hard to be mad at someone that just gave you an orgasm. If your partner is annoying you, you know the times when everything they do and say irks you just a little, you need to be having more sex.  When physical intimacy and sexual satisfaction is a regular part of your relationship, all those little things that bother you, don’t seem like such a big deal. Sex is a way to show your partner you appreciate them. It’s a large part of what differentiates your marriage/partnership from the other relationships in your life. Most likely, chemistry is a part of what drew you to that person in the first place and reconnecting with that passion can teleport you back to those early days. When you are intimate with your partner, you have the opportunity to block out everything else, to forget for a little while that you’re parents, and enjoy the sensations. 
          Alright, so how? I’ve sold you on the benefits, both personal and for your relationship, so let’s make this happen. I’m going to make a list because I know you’re tired and I want to give you something concrete to grab onto.

1. Foreplay is happening all day every day. This is first on the list because it is hands down the most important piece of advice. It’s ludicrous to think that you could be completely shut off sexually all day and expect your body to just flip the switch because you’ve crawled into your bed next to your partner. No, it doesn’t work that way. You have to build it up all day long, sex needs to be lingering around in your brain while you’re at the grocery store, folding laundry, and interacting with your spouse. Specific ideas that I’ve personally found helpful:
   1. Bringing in more sensual touch with your partner whenever you have the chance. This could be as simple as a warm embrace in the morning, dragging your hands across their back while they make breakfast, an unprompted kiss, or holding their hands. Show your partner that you enjoy physical intimacy with them.
   2. While you are apart, send some sweet and/or dirty text messages to one another. Don’t let every message you send them be about picking up something at the store or even just cute or infuriating things the kids did, make space just for the two of you, even in a simple platform like text messaging. 
   3. Wear sexy undies. While your top layer of clothes may feel like a drop cloth, particularly if you are a stay at home parent, if your underwear is sexy, you will feel sexy. I’m not saying forgo comfort completely. Whether thongs, boy shorts, or bikinis are your go to style, go for some sexy colors and materials. Silky and lace fabrics in red and black are sure wins. 
2. Show your partner you appreciate them. This is really important and often overlooked in the hustle of work, kids, and general life craziness. This doesn’t have to be sexual, but the ramifications of feeling genuinely appreciated can spill into the sexual realm. This can be as simple as thanking your spouse for something small they did, even if you feel like it was their responsibility, or complimenting them physically. Find genuine, thoughtful reasons to let your spouse know that you appreciate them. The act of appreciating, as well as feeling of being appreciated will reconnect you as a couple.
3. Take care of yourself physically. I know one of the primary reasons that parents are not having sex is from pure exhaustion. This is a battle that doesn’t have a simple stamp like “get more sleep”. I get that’s not always an option. My kids were still waking up multiple times a night until they were 4 and 3, so I can relate to this one. Combat this exhaustion the best you can. Nutrition goes a long way with providing us energy. I mean real nutrition, not quick fixes like sugar and caffeine, although I’ve done my fair share of those. For more information on nutrition for sustainable health check out my friend and Holistic Nutritionist Erin at  www.erinholthealth.com.
4. Start slow. Sometimes jumping to the main event of sexual intercourse too quickly can be a real buzz kill. I get that when you’re tired you may just think, let’s have a quickie and pass out. But I’m asking you to reach a little deeper in the efforts to find true passion and intimacy. This can mean spreading things out a bit. Perhaps one night you focus on a sensual massage for your partner, without the final goal of intercourse. A sensual massage may or may not include an orgasm, and either way is perfectly fine. It’s about connecting with your partner’s body and again, showing them you appreciate them. Another night you might just focus on oral sex. Maybe you are even taking turns giving and receiving on different nights. In this scenario, one person gets to really relax and just enjoy the sensations, while the other focused on their partner’s pleasure. This can be wonderfully relaxing and a great way to reconnect. The primary goal with starting slow is that the slow increase of sexual pleasure, in a very pure form without expectations, allows the desire to build. You will find that after building each other’s pleasure and desire you are more inclined to create the time and space for really amazing sex again. 

        After I started writing this blog I realized I could write a whole book on the topic! I feel so strongly about the importance passion in long term relationships. There are many reasons why partners sometimes move away from shared intimacy with one another. Concerns of uneven desire, miscommunication, or sexual boredom can cause once passionate lovers to withdraw from one another. It is my experience that with a little creativity and a healthy dose of communication, even the most sexless of relationships can regain a major sexual boost. 

If you are experiences specifics concerns in your relationship consider a one on one coaching session or look into my new self-guided program Awakening Your Sexuality