Even the word shame elicits a reaction in my body. I can feel a spiraling heat in my belly, I am reminded of times when I felt ashamed, when I was shamed for my thoughts or actions. Shame is a powerful motivator; it motivates both action and inaction. It can live inside us and alter our perception of ourselves, tearing us down, telling us we do not deserve love and connection. Many sexual blocks, concerns, and overall dissatisfaction stem from shame.
There are numerous ways sexuality is shamed. Truthfully, nearly everything regarding sexuality can and has been shamed. If you choose not to engage sexually, someone may call you a prude. Too much confidence in your sexuality, someone may call you a whore. Often those dishing out the shame have been shamed themselves, perhaps as a child exploring their own body or as an adult unsure and stumbling through early sexual interactions. Thus a shame cycle is created, shame experiences created more shame experiences.
Even worse though, than being shamed is to allow that shame to become our reality. Internalizing shame about our sexuality creates insecurity; the wiliness to explore and express ourselves becomes limited. Brene Brown, brilliant authority on shame and vulnerability, says this about shame “the less you talk about it, the more you have it” (watch her full TedTalk here). It is through the silent festering of shame that we lose ourselves, forget our primitive right to enjoy pleasure, and pull away from intimacy and connection with others. So how do we stop it?
We share. We talk about sex. The brilliant and joyful experiences, as well as the times when we experienced shame. The times when things went all wrong, when people called us names, when we thought “I am bad”, we share and we connect and then we release. We release the obligation to carry that shame around and step into our messy perfection. We release the idea that in order to experience bliss and pleasure that we have to fit into this impossible image of what we think that looks like.
This is why I’m here. This is why I’m talking about sex. I have felt the slow burn of sexual shame first hand and I know the freedom of its release. I now know the joy of feeling totally and completely worthy of love. I want that for you too.
What separates good sex from great sex?
Confidence and comfortability. It’s really that simple. The more confident and comfortable you are with yourself and then also with you partner, the better sex is going to be. Nothing is more distracting during sex than worrying about what your body looks like, smells like, and sounds like. When you are worrying about these things you are essentially shutting down your body from experiencing higher levels of pleasure and also shutting down an opportunity for connection with your partner.
The social expectations of what sexy looks like are hard to overcome. We are presented with this very linear idea of what sexy should be. Media makes us believe that in order to be sexually desired we must adhere to a certain set of rules. Not true. Here’s the thing, sexy starts inside and then shines out of us. The focus of sex should be pleasure and connection. Unless you are in the adult entertainment industry, no one cares what you look like during it!
Great sex is messy! Most bodies look a little strange in certain positions, so if you look odd but it feels good keep going! Hair gets messy, bodies get sweaty. Also, strange noises are a total normal (and in my opinion delightfully hysterical) part of sex. To me a big old body fart in the middle of a really sexy moment is a great opportunity to laugh! Laughing during sex can lighten the mood by reminding us about amusement. Sex is fun, it combines physical pleasure, emotional intimacy and an opportunity for amusement. So the next time you have the opportunity to get frisky, I want you to act like the sex god or goddess that you are and see how that changes the experience!
This past year has been full of opportunities for bravery for me. I have stepped outside my comfort zone time and time again, leapt into unknowns, and traveled through such magnitude of emotions. Through all of this I have developed a deeper sense of personal trust in the unique path of my life. No, things have not gone the way I planned, far from it in fact. And yet, I can see now how perfectly imperfect it has been.
I remember leaving Florida almost a year ago now. My kids in the backseat, my car loaded high, and my ex-spouse in the rear view mirror, that moment both tore me apart and set me free. What I didn’t realize at the time was I was leaving behind my unhealthy habits of people pleasing. Up until that point, I teetered on the line of normal and unique, wanting to fit in, check off the traditional ideas we are all spoon fed throughout our lives. I cared deeply what other’s thought of me, even if I managed to conceal that on the surface. So when my “perfect” family dissolved, my spouse came out as transgender, and I moved home I made a pact that I would never exist for anyone’s approval again. I love making people happy, it’s in my nature, but I am now unwilling to do so at the expense of myself.
The pure bliss of decorating my own apartment is hard to articulate. I bought most of my furnishings second hand, I filled the walls with unique artwork, mixed patterns and textures, I made it my home. I looked forward to the solitude of sleeping alone during that time I was healing. Everywhere I looked I saw me and I liked what I saw. So when I was ready to venture out in romance again, I did so with my whole heart intact. I found that loving myself was the most solid foundation I could possibly have in a relationship. It’s amazing what you can build with someone, what you can experience, when you are willing to be completely yourself with your partner.
With an exquisite love relationship peculating, my home life steady and joyful, I thought perhaps the call for change had been satisfied for a while. But as it has been with most leaps of faith, I found myself being pulled in a direction I hadn’t thought too much about. The past year I’ve had the honor of working with a collaboration of women called Daring Spirits. What they are doing with meditation is a serious game changer and essentially what I owe my peace of mind to. With their support, I developed my passion for Sexuality & Relationship Coaching and found my wings. It’s been a beautiful working relationships built on a foundation of strong friendship. Yet, in my head came at first the whisper, which then grew into a roar, “it is time to spread your wings”. What choice did I have but to listen?
So this leap is into the awakening of my own coaching business, built on that same foundation of love, courage, and truth that I have rebuilt my life. Just like all the times of great changes, I am filled with a sense of excitement and anticipation at how this will all unfold, but now it is easier to trust in the uncertainty. Thank you for being here, for taking an interest in my journey. It is my hope that you can see some reflection to yours, and that my bravery inspires your own bravery.
Sometimes we act like love is this mysterious, all-encompassing force that lies out of our control. When we fall in love romantically it can feel this way. It can feel like we’re spinning in circles and the only constant is the fiery desire we feel for that other person. More often than not though, that intense feeling burns out, leaving us disappointed and confused. “Is love up to its old tricks again? Disappearing on us just when we thought we finally caught it?”
Yes and no. If you believe love exists only outside of you, you will always be chasing it and it will always remain just slightly out of reach. However, if you come to realize how deeply love exists inside of each of you, you will never go a day without it. It’s easy to love our lives and love ourselves when things are going well. When we are at the ideal weight, have the ideal job, the perfect balance of fun in our lives, those are the moments it’s easy to be in love. And yet choosing love when things aren’t going the way we might like, that’s the real choice.
When you think of the qualities you’d want and expect in a partner, would you want someone who only loves you at your highest? Yet, isn’t this how many of us approach self-love? If your self-love is conditional, you are telling yourself you are only worthy of love when you’ve met certain criteria.
This is why I say love is a choice. We wake up every day and have a choice, the choice to love and accept ourselves for our perfect imperfections or the choice not to. Choosing love seems like the obvious option and yet it may not be as easy as it sounds, especially if you’ve spent years not choosing to love yourself.
So where do you start? How do you fall back in love with yourself or perhaps fall in love for the first time? Get to know yourself, romance yourself. What’s your favorite flower? Buy it and proudly display it on your counter. Ask yourself the questions you want to know. What is a cherished childhood memory? If you could go anywhere, where would you go and what would you do while you were there? It might sound silly, but love doesn’t appear out of thin air, not the kind that lasts forever. It’s built through a series of thoughtful exchanges. Romance yourself, choose love, and your heart will always be full.
This blog first appeared on Daring Spirits Blog February 2017
I have always been fascinated by sexuality. It is amazing how essentially the same act can be experienced so differently. There is so much more to sexuality than we’ve been brought up to believe. In a culture that is overtly obsessed with sex, we are barely scratching the surface of this primal human experience. I’ve made it my mission to uncover that depth; I believe that we are all sex Gods and Goddesses, waiting to be unearthed. If you want to have more mind blowing sex with your partner, keep reading. If you are currently single and want to attract a partner to have out of this world sex with, keep reading. If you want to tap into the Divine sexual energy that exists inside of you and harness that energy to create amazing things in your life, keep reading. Sex is not just an act, and it’s certainly not a dirty one, it’s a creative, energetic force, a physical manifestation of the spirit, body, and mind. To empower yourself sexually……
1.Develop and foster a deep love for yourself. Many people bring poor self-esteem, lack of body confidence, insecurities, and damaging past relationships to their current sexual arena. This often creates blocks which can manifest themselves as low sex drive, sex that lacks an emotional connection, or a complete disconnect from our own sexuality. We are incapable of taping into our sexual power if we do not first and wholeheartedly love ourselves.
2.Open the door to Communication. If you are in a relationship, the first step to elevate your sexual relationship is to be able to talk openly with your partner. What do you want? What do they want? How can you facilitate each other’s fantasies? If you are single, talk to your friends, journal about it. Don’t say “ I want good sex” be specific. Call in the exact partner you want, the exact sexual experience you desire.
3.Take initiative. Ladies this one is mostly for you. Please don’t fall into the pattern or idea that it is a man’s job to initiate sex. Do not be afraid to be bold. Now this never means going against someone else’s freewill, always be respectful to other’s relationships to sex. I am sexually aggressive, always have been. I have been criticized for this in my life, being too forward in my desires, and yet I would never change this part of myself.
4.Find the amusement. Sex is fun! Sex is the place we grownups get to play and be silly! I love sex bloopers. There is nothing more amusing to me then when a sexy moment can go completely off course with some drooling, farting, falling off the bed or leg cramps. If you can laugh with your partner at these missteps you know you are on to something good. Let it be fun and playful, and for goodness sakes, don’t take it all too seriously.
5.Practice makes perfect. Want to be a Sex God or Goddess this year. Well practice. Be willing to have mediocre sex on your quest for mind-blowing sex. I personally like having a steady sexual partner, I think this allows for deeper intimacy and possibility for exploration. With a consistent partner you have the ability to really learn and explore your likes and dislikes, and get creative. But whatever floats your boat, just be safe, have fun, and love yourself through it all.
This blog first appeared on Daring Spirits Blog January 2017
Read. Relate. Repeat.
My hope is through my words, through my own experiences, you will relate to some piece of my story. Some desire that I've shared or insecurity I've admitted to will also belong to you. My words are my truth, but they may also be yours.